Be still my heart.

Life can really be a shit show sometimes.. which is funny because my last post was all about acceptance and letting go and all is okay and blah blah how lovely. Well in this moment I am not so convinced of my own words. This is pregnancy speaking of course. I am so thrilled this morning to announce it took our health care system 3 days to treat a very simple infection I have been dealing with for just over a week. I have assumed a UTI for a while but it would get better then come back and so it goes.. This past Friday I was like okay this isn't so good and I should get checked out.. I did the whole walk in thing.. waited patiently for over 2 hours.. then proceeded to wait some more and do lab work.. then get my prescription.. how great and it should end there. When I go to fill this prescription it takes some time and I am waiting once again and I am being patient and I am greeted by the pharmacist to inform me that this medication I was prescribed is only available in the States- Oh How Great!! Thank you so much.. but don't worry they will contact the doctor and see about getting another similar one available in Canada. Okay so I go home all sweaty and ready to just collapse.. this is coming from the person that can only walk minimal steps without feeling like I am having a heart attack so all this back and fourth shit and being out had taken a big toll on me by this point and not feeling well either was enough to send me over the edge. Anyway I call the pharmacy back later Friday thinking I can go pick up a different medication- Oh no the doctor has not got back to us sorry for the inconvenience.. So I go back to ignoring this infection and trying to keep up with life since at this point I have tried and I have a little one to chase around and it is not on my list to go back to the walk in for another 3 hours with Greyson running around. By Sunday (yesterday) my heart is literally racing and I am getting really sick and I am feeling terrible- I end up going back to the doctor to be told to follow up Monday with walk in and see whats going on.. well long story short it is now Monday noon and I have been informed that there is a prescription waiting for me!!! Praise the lord I can finally treat this. Thrilling story I know.

***TRIGGER gross birth details and post surgery details most people don't want to know about, continue at your own risk***

Anyway, here I am miserable as hell.. to top all of this off my blood pressure is really low and my heart rate is very high.. both of which they can't really treat.. I am sure I could treat it with a bottle of wine but of course I am not going to do that.. I will just dream of a time that I can. At this point I am just past 30 weeks and can expect a baby joining us in the next 6 weeks.. I am measuring six weeks ahead and Greyson came at 36 and I know my body is giving me all the signs it won't be long now so thats another thing causing me a lot of anxiety because I have serious PTSD from my last birthing experience which was traumatizing and I can't seem to shake it. Nothing like 2 doctors needing to literally get on the table to pull out your almost 10 lb baby at only 36 weeks.. and the pressure of them fishing him out (turkey dinner as the doctors referred to "him" as)  was enough to have me thinking I was having a heart attack because I could feel it all in my chest and I thought for sure I had come to the end of my life. Then of course post surgery lets start to hemorrhage and have the doctor come in and perform a nice fundal massage which consists of his entire hand up you know where and his other hand pushing down on my uterus and abdomen.. where yes was just cut open and then just sewed back together... and by this point my feeling is coming back and I can feel every little push on every layer that was just tore through... of course this doctor just came in and did this lovely procedure but with no warning as to what I was about to experience.. here I was thinking I got through that terrible surgery and I can finally feel my feet again but no lets continue the fishing expedition.. 

I have this irrational fear that I am not going to survive and I will be that small percent that suffers every single risk with a c section (which I know I will need a c section due to Greyson being a section and a large hernia I have) I really need to get a handle on this if I want to be present for this babies birth because if my heart takes off which it tends to do I will end up being put to sleep to shut me up and calm my body down and with that comes other risks (imagine being in my thoughts right now.... and then more risks..) You know only a couple months ago I was rushed in to emergency with a heart rate of 245 and I couldn't even be read anymore on the machines and all the buzzers were going off and the doctors were called immediately.. I have never been triaged then brought in to trauma room with life support devices on standby by, as fast as I could tell them my name.. this was my last hospital experience so of course I don't have high hopes for a smooth sail for my next hospital adventure. So please heart, just calm down... and maybe I should read some of my past inspirational blogs lol....

Anyway I should probably be on my way to pick up that prescription and start to treat this so I can start feeling a little bit better.. might be nice peeing without the lovely burning sensation. 

Maybe say a prayer for me so I can calm the F*ck down as well as for Mark and all others close to me that deal with this rollercoaster on the daily.... Only a few more weeks!!! Hahahahaha... then I can go back to normal amounts of silliness.. at the moment it's more of a train wreck.

-A xoxo

Included: Picture proof I survived the last time..

Just a nice reminder to myself that it is worth all the pain and fear to get to this moment of  seeing  the life you created.